The Wardman Wire

Recently the Cardinal Baron Lord Mandelson, Viceroy of somewhere very long and difficult to remember, has give us a whole quiverful of reasons for not selling off the Post Office, then inspected them and put them back in his quiver and tried another one to see if it works.

I was wondering where this all came from, and then I had a break.

This is the transcript of a tape from a special spy camera installed near Regent’s Park in London, just in case a certain vehement Australian Cricket supporter notorious for violence should become unruly during the Ashes this summer.

In fact it caught (and recorded) an entirely different character engaging in nefarious activities. Step forward … Lord Mandelbrot.

Lord Mandelbrot of Super-Cali-Fragil-istic-espi-ali-docious, visiting the Marsupial Enclosure

Hi Skip, do you remember me from 1994, when I needed advice?

Skippy XVIII

tchk tchk tchk

Lord Mandelbrot of Floccinaucinihilipilification

Your grandpa? He must have told you about the Man in the Moustache.

You must remember the moustache? It was my trademark. Here’s a pic.

Skippy XVIII

Thud.

Lord Mandelbrot of The Earth and Everything that Lies Therein, whether in the Firmament, or on the Earth, or under the Earth.

(throws bucket of water over prostrate kangeroo)

I’ve put my moustache away. I accept that I may have looked like Dennis Lillee detousled, but I never ate a kangaroo steak in my life.

If I did, then Doctor Who has joined the Tories and planted a false allegation in 1996.

I said I need advice. Please don’t crash out on me now.

Skippy XVIII

tchk — tchk ———- tchk tchk

Lord Mandelbrot of the Greatest Moustache in History

To business then. It’s this bl**dy Post Office. We can’t close it because the lefty bl**dy Unions and the stone age bl**dy backbenchers don’t like selling it off, and I need an excuse to let me stop without looking as silly as I feel.

I wish we were back in the 18th Century. No bl**dy commoners in Parliament and we could have a completely unelected Cabinet. And all those wigs. Sigh. We’ll get back there one day.

I’ve tried the obvious excuses, and they are all in direct contradiction of what some people – like Harriet the Apparently Harmonious – said last week, last month or last year.

Bl**dy incompetents. Don’t they know how to answer questions while giving away no relevant information. Can’t help them now – too busy training Brown.

Skippy XVIII

tchk tchk tchk

Lord Mandelbrot of Antidisestablishmentarianism

“We are short of Parliamentary Time?”

No go. Tried it. Looked silly. Turned out that we made the session short to minimise trouble, and Harman the Harmonious promised them extra time in November if anything needed it. And did they tell me? No they bl**dy didn’t.

The Tories even offered me their time. How embarrassing can this get?

Skippy XVIII

tchk tchk tchk

Lord Mandelbrot the Ringmaster of the Greatest Show on Earth

“Market conditions have changed”.

Hmmm. They haven’t changed of course, but some people might swallow that one. Will try it and get back to you.

Skippy XVIII

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Lord Mandelbrot the anagram of Landlord Meson

What are you saying Skip? Another one?

The Post Office fell down the Old Mineshaft?

Hadn’t thought of that. Just a mo …

Hmmm. 10,000 to 15,000 Post Offices.

There are “many thousands” of abandoned mineworkings.

Hmmm. Think I’ll keep that in reserve.

Skippy XVIII

tchk tchk tchk

Lord Mandelbrot also the anagram of Demands Roll On

What’s that Skip? “What about the pension fund?”

Oh that’s fine. It’s from the EU, so I won’t have any problems.

Skippy XVIII

tchk tchk tchk

Lord Mandelbrot of the attempt to raise apparent productivity in the typsetting department by choosing a name so long that the damn thing won’t even fit on Twitter.

Thanks Skip. You’re my hero.

See you around and I promise not to bring any photographs of myself next time around. That bump on your head looks sore…

(Skippy XVIII wanders off to watch some pr0n, which I can guarantee was not purchased out of Lord Mandelbrot’s Parliamentary Allowance.)

This is where my tape ends, but the excuses we have seen would appear to back up its veracity.

The only way we will truly know the accuracy of this account is when Lord Mandelbrot tells us to start looking for lost Post Offices in Yorkshire, Nottinghamshire and South Wales.

The transcript has been published, so that is not likely.