The Wardman Wire

Promises, promises
“No more dirty coal, no nuclear… dependence on fossil fuels undermines the fight for human rights” so said Nick Clegg to the Liberal Democrats conference yesterday. And this really sums up the Lib Dems. Yes the UK would be far, far better off if it didn’t rely on fossil fuels and didn’t have to turn to nuclear power to tackle climate change. But does he really think that this entire country can be powered by wind farms?

Of course not. But then again, he doesn’t have too – he’s a Lib Dem. Nick Clegg will never have to deliver on any of his promises. I sometimes wonder why the Lib Dems don’t go the whole hog and promise marmalade sandwiches wrapped in five pound notes for all UK citizens at elevenses.

Ask no questions, hear not confused answers
I understand Nick Clegg has to stand on some sort of platform and being a Lib Dem must be just about the toughest gig in politics, but to attack the Tories for being a “say everything, do nothing party” is a bit rich. It is easy to promise tax cuts, like Clegg has done, in fact I will make a pledge to the people now – if I get in to power I too will cut taxes. But don’t ask me how or to break down the figures – and certainly don’t ask Clegg to do it. His performance on Newsnight earlier this week was car crash telly. He knows nothing of his economic policy except the headlines – and then accuses the Tories of the same.

Clegg and Brown – a dying species
Clegg also laid in to Brown’s leadership – or lack of. Well, “Mr 12%”, “Mr I’m no Vince Cable and my party know it”, I think you should be worrying about things a little closer home because the way things are going you are not going to be a leader of Britain’s third party much longer. The thing is, Clegg’s speech was high on cheap gags but low on anything hard hitting. It was like listening to your old school teacher trying to rally up some school pride when actually the rest of us just want to go round the back of the bike shed and smoke a fag.

The party of irrelevance
There was not much of what Clegg said that would either rile you up or make you jump with joy. It was just fluffy. It was focused on saving the economy, protecting civil liberties, saving the environment, improving public services and so on. But what party doesn’t promise these things? Far from being “a giant leap forward” for politics, the Lib Dems are pushing themselves in to an area of irrelevance. With Blair now gone and Iraq calming down, they are no longer the party for the protest vote that won them 66 seats in 2005. In fact, if MORI has it right, the Lib Dems will be left with just 8 seats at the next election. 8 seats!

Strangely, it is easy for the Lib Dems to look good when times are good. People start to look at the environment more closely and care more about the so called little things. But when an economic crisis hits, the Lib Dems are in danger of being forced to take a back seat as we want one of the big hitters, the serious politicians to sort it out. This week neither Clegg nor his party have done anything to counter that. This conference really has cemented the Lib Dems as an irrelevance.

In Clegg’s defence
In his defence, and I am trying here, Clegg went for the Tories and he went for the government. His delivery was just about alright and he ticked the Cameron “no notes” box. He also tried to add some humour, even if it was what I would call “Dad humour” – obvious, inoffensive and unfunny, but warm all the same. He described Cameron as the Andrex puppy – “A cuddly symbol… but fundamentally irrelevant to the product he’s promoting” and Brown as leading “a Zombie government… a cross between Shaun of the Dead and I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue”.

And he saved the best for last
However Clegg saved his best joke for last: “I can’t tell you every step on the road… but I can tell you where we’re headed – government.” It didn’t leave them so much rolling in the aisles more just rolling their eyes. I’m sorry Nick, but the joke is on you.