The Wardman Wire

I came across Chris Applegate’s rather wonderful algorithm for a David Aaronovitch simulator, based on this column:

• Step 1: Go ad hominem from the very start and label your opponents as being part of some mythical self-styled intellectual commentariat (while ignoring just how eminently qualified you are yourself to belong to that same cadre):
• Step 2: Posit a false dichotomy and put your opponent at one extreme end of it.
• Step 3: Push the boat out even more - emphasise how the bad men will get you if you don’t do what they say. Go for the heart-tugging “as a father” line if need be.
• Step 4: When all else fails, wring your hands and play the race card.
• Step 5: Ask a sub-editor to top it off by giving it the headline “Ignore the paranoid fantasists” and voila! Instant column!

The existence of a convincing algorithm invites a question:

Could we re-engineer Eliza to be an Aaronovitch simulator and thereby prove that belief in the real one is logically unnecessary?

The job has already been partly done - certain components are already available (which I’m not linking to in case I get a “Cease and Desist” letter).

Now, Chris Applegate is a Geek:

the blog, website & general online presence of Chris Applegate, twentysomething geek and generally lost boy

So how about it, Chris?

If we could do the same for a lot of columnists, then our newspapers might be economically viable again.

I had a little try out with Eliza (linked above):

Eliza: Hello. I am ELIZA. How can I help you?
Me: I want to be David Aaronovitch.
Eliza: Why do you want to be david aaronovitch?
Me: I can’t work it out.
Eliza: Have you tried?
Me: It depresses me when I do try.
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
Me: No, that’s the problem. I can’t understand it.
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.
Me: I know. I want to be David Aaronovich.
Eliza: Why do you want to be david aaronovitch?

At which point it started to go round in circles, which leads me to think that perhaps we don’t need to do that much development.

Could we even have a “kill 2 birds with one stone” Polly simulator, with an extra plug-in “Tim Worstall” module that would write a good chunk of Tim’s blog at the same time by applying factual corrections, and save enough time to let him stay in the blogosphere when he becomes an MEP?

Just musing over my cornflakes, while trying to get up the energy to tackle the Ministerial Written Statements issued on the 2 days of Parliament that were beyond the date when I thought it rose. In addition to the 98 from the week before, there were an extra 38 on Monday 21 July and 39 on Tuesday 22 July. For f*ck’s sake, Gordon - that makes 175 in about 6 Parliamentary sitting days!

I’ll have to return to this, but what on earth are all those people thinking who are saying there’s nothing to write about in the summer?

Isn’t it of interest to you - to choose just one - that the consultation period for the first review of part our homicide laws for heaven knows how many years starts on 28 July with the publication of a paper, and will finish on October 20th, which is just two weeks after Parliament returns? Among others, we have:

• Gifts received by the Prime Minister.
• Annual report of the Criminal Records Bureau.
• Data Matching Code of Practice - more database state stuff that should be beneficial if it doesn’t go too far. What’s the betting that without examination with a toothcomb, it will go to far?
• DAS Air DID break trade rules in the Congo during the war.

And a lot of other things. Start digging, people.