The Wardman Wire

[For dull domestic reasons the round-up is late this week: apologies]

As MPs returned to Westminster following the Whitsun recess, there was only one topic of conversation being eagerly discussed tea room and bar, by elected representatives and bag-carriers alike. Was it perhaps Tony Blair’s return to the GMTV sofa? Or maybe Jacqui Smith playing a blinder in the PLP meeting when she spoke on 42 days? Hang on, I’ve got it: it was the new guidelines on carrying knives in the wake of a spate of teenage stabbings, wasn’t it? No? No. The issue enlivening the Parliamentary Estate was why the Leader of Her Majesty’s (gawd bless yer, Ma’am) Opposition had decided to let a mad axe-murderer loose on his hair just before PMQs. Never let it be said that we’re afraid to discuss the contentious issues of the day here at the Wardman Wire.

HAIRY SCENES AT PMQS

With the Stoic grimness of expression that is now the favoured look amongst the Labour backbenches, the comrades took their seats at PMQs to be met by a startling sight on the Opposition side; David Cameron hoved into view sporting the kind of hair-do that, if it were a porn film, could only be described as “specialist taste.” It is difficult, without a visual aid, to get over quite how peculiar it was. Part 1950s bouffant at the back and part boyband-circa-1993 curtains at the front, the overall effect was the impression that somebody had thatched Dave’s head. There was also a rumour - probably put about by the scurrilous anti-toff RACIALISTS at Labour HQ - that Cameron had let loose with the Graecian 2000. If anything goes to show the new cockiness of the Tories it’s that their Leader reckons he can get away with trying to emulate the sort of look John Nettles goes for in “Midsomer Murders.” We live in interesting times indeed.

The hilarity amongst Her Maj’s Government didn’t last long, however, as the Gord comprehensively nailed his trousers to the mast on vehicle excise duty, suffered at the hands of an extremely laboured gag from Bill Wiggin (leave it to Comedy Cable, Bill) about him phoning the electorate, and had to endure the indignity of a lecture from a Conservative leader about party unity. Ouch!

Luckily the only thing anyone could talk about afterwards was The Hair.

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR (TOP) HAT ON

Wide-eyed ingenue, Tom Jones look-alike, and newly elected MP for Crewe and Nantwitch Edward “Ed” Timpson took his seat in Parliament this week. Aw, bless ‘im. You know what they say about when the Members of Parliament start looking young …

KAWCYZNSKI KER-AAAAAAZINESS!

Working for the Parliamentary mad-hatter is probably akin to working for the proverbial Nutter on the Bus: even though your life is a misery you can rest assured that everybody else is thoroughly enjoying the performance. A moment of silence then please for the beleagured bag-carrier to Conservative MP Daniel Kawcyznski who has been entertaining us all this week with his moon-howling antics. On Tuesday Kawcyznski threw a hissy fit because he wasn’t allowed to bring a cow to Parliament, to the relief of the Pass Office who have had enough scenes of continental free-for-all this week without having to try to extract from Daisy the Heifer whether she has any registerable interests.

No one can up the ante like an MP, so the next day a nation awoke to an interview on the Today programme so astonishing that half the audience assumed they were still pissed from the night before. Kawcyznski was talking about the Ten Minute Rule Bill he was to introduce later that day on recognition of the contribution that Polish migrant workers make to the United Kingdom. So far, so fair-enough, right? Wrong. Not only did her refer to Humpers as “Mr Humphrys” throughout which created the very vivid mental image of the belligerent one in short trousers being solemnly reprimanded by a teacher, but he also laid the blame of anti-Polish thinking firmly at the feet of the “liberal elite” at Auntie. Apparently they should spend their time bashing the right kind of immigrants: the diffrunt looking ones who smell of curry presumably.

Inevitably and tediously this brought about a protracted period of hair-shirting at the Beeb about their reporting policy on immigration which culminated in an extremely boring Newsnight where various BBC journalists stared into their navels and shared the contents of what they found therein with a narcoleptic British public.

Still, Kawcyznski achieved something that no politician has ever managed before: he startled Humpers into silence.

A RETURN TO SOFA GOVERNMENT

No, not really. But we did see Tony Blair return to the GMTV sofa to chat about how life was juuuuuuust peachy now he doesn’t have to deal with turbulent priests and stuff anymore. Now he’s out of power, of course, the Tonemeister has gone from being That Baby Moidering War Criminal to St Tony of Blair in less than a year. Evidence of this was provided by a particularly gushing text message sent into the show about how Tony was, like, The Man. Ladbrokes weren’t taking bets on whether the same person has spent the years since 1997 complaining that Blair was “worse than Hitler” until the point at which he resigned.

… AND FINALLY

A ComRes poll showed a 14 point Tory lead (although this was taken before the airing of Dave’s hair-don’t), the Government had its majority slashed to the lowest level since the Gord took over, and Sam Coates got his mitts on a leaked Tory strategy document which reckons that the new Tories should aim to be just like Thatcher. Hang about, was that the look Cameron was going for?