The Wardman Wire

[Update: now with added pics and sound]

In with Eurovision tonight. The avoidance strategy has failed for the first time in about 15 years. So I thought we’d have a Eurovision live blog until I get bored or go bonkers. I’ll try to put the odd pic and sound clip in but no promises.

Suggestion: Read it from the bottom.

———————————————————

[23:16] Oh! He’s already published it and it’s not really a rant:

12 points from Macedonia to Albania. 12 points from Ukraine to Russia. Germany gives 10 points to Turkey. Estonia gives 10 points to Finland and 12 points to Russia. Bosnia give the Croats 10 points and 12 points to the Serbs. Latvia gives Russia 12 points too. Serbia give 10 points to Russia and 12 points to Bosnia. Cyprus give 12 points to Greece (none to us, the bastards). Iceland gave 12 points to the Danes. Portugal give 10 points to Spain. Andorra give the Spanish 12 points. You get the drift.

*Sigh*

45 countries voted. More than the 25 EU countries, note.

Isn’t it time we had a voting system that doesn’t give equal weight of votes to San Marino or Andorra and larger nations that actually pay for this competition (such as Britain)?

And maybe next year, just to show how warped the whole thing is, we should have Elton John as our entrant just so when he doesn’t win we can expose the competition for the absurdity that it now has become?

And he’s entirely right.

 

But that was timestamped 9:48pm. Is Blaney’s Blarney ahead of itself.

[23:12] Cue Nationalistic Rant from Blaney …. maybe.

[23:09] Tel: I’m saying good-bye to Kevin Bishop. We have to decide whether we want to do this again.

SCOOP: WOGAN PLANS RETIREMENT.

Tel: Western Europe has to decide whether they want to do this again. Their prospects are poor.

SCOOP: WESTERN EUROPE MAY RETIRE FROM EUROVISION

[23:07] Danish votes: Scandinavian incest confirmed.

[23:06] Wogan the Slogan: Do you remember “The Brides of Frankenstein”. Hmmm.

[23:03] El Tel: “The Russians are out of sight.” Please, God…

[22:55] I reckon that there is one corresponding to Brit pop culture for each of the last 43 years…

[22:51] A late entry from Gorgeous self-important demagogue and all-round sick joke George Galloway MP:

[22:47] The Norwegian presenter of votes can’t stop giggling. Is she being goosed off camera?

 

[22:43] Why did the Russian act have a bloke on roller skates?

Hungarian presenter of results is in dazzle camouflage - who is she hiding from?

[22:41] Profound statement from Comperes: “Somebody is going to win tonight“. Er - Yes.

[22:40] Top 5 so far:

• Russia
• Greece
• Armenia
• Ukraine
• Turkey

[22:04] Break. Here is a one word summary from Tim Almond for each act from the roundup no Twitter:

• Latvia - arrrrggghhh
• Iceland is early 90s europop, but not bad really
• Croatia. Creepy.
• Israel. Bobbins,
• Bosnia. WTF?
• Germany - rubbish, but pretty
• Albania - rubbish
• Portugal - bad version of Abba
• Turkey - bad version of the Manics.
• Is finland full of geeks? What’s with the metal?
• Poland, Iceland or Sweden should win

[22:00] Catch up:

 

24. Russia. Catchy.

23. Serbia. A ballad.

22. Spain. Spanish history for tourists. Maybe.

21. Greece. In English. Good song.

Birdie Song 2008 version (above)

Birdie Song 1981 version (below)

[21:51] Vote. No.

 

[21:50] El Tel. Full terms and conditions at bbc.co.uk. Shut up Tel - do you really think we will spend money voting.

[21:49] Presenter has one of those “there’s a fluffy bug on my lowerl lip” moustaches.

[21:48]

El Tel: The vote to call is 0901522200 followed by the numbers.

That’s a phone number Terry, not a “vote”.

[21:47] 25 Norway. Very Sandi Shaw. Girls in blue dresses ululating and swaying. Hum. Oh and two blokes from Thunderbirds behind. Or is it Captain Black?

Lyrics

“There’ll always someone out there who’ll be there for you” x 29.

Oh “Hold on hold on, be strong”. That’s OK then.

Tell some bloggers in pyjamas that and they’ll top themselves.

[21:39] Where are Dr Death and the Tooth Fairy?

[21:27] 20 Azerbjan.

Male angels. Female devils. Um.

[21:22] 19 France.

El Tel: “So cool he’s positively Froide. He’ll be coming on in a golf cart”.

Indeed he is. Tosser.

A 2007 plot for a Jacques Tati remake.

El Tel: “Full marks to France for trying something … completely different”.

Blaney: The French SANG IN ENGLISH! The female backing singers with beards were a bit off-putting. The singer merde-red the song.

 

Er. Yes. Some of us blogged it in April .

[21:22] Another El Tel warning about don’t call us when you shouldn’t because he will get into trouble. There’s an idea.

 

[21:18] 18 Ukraine.

El Tel: Potential winner. “But what do we know”. Not a lot, Terry. Apart from how to be bitchy. Which is the correct response.

Another froth and braid mini-dress. Excellent. Hmm. Not that I’m complaining. And a Servalan armband. Hmmm.

And a catchy tune Agadoo 2 of the night?

El Tel: “Oooh she’s drained afterwards”. Too much information Terry.

[21:17] 17 Georgia. “Peace will come”. Decent voice. Backers doing calisthenics.

Tel: with all this smoke and flames around there’s precious little regard paid to health and safety. Amen, brother..

[21:14] 16 Denmark. All night long. Need a drink. Blaney: very, very catchy indeed. The singer grated on me but the tune was excellent. It was called All Night Long. It is one that tunes that will stick in your head All Week Long.

[21:07] 15 Sweden. Sung by a Swedish woman (let the reader understand).

Can we have Boy George back? Please.

[21:02] 14 Latvia. “Wolves of the Sea”. Pirates of Penzance knock off? Er .. probably. “Driving” beat. Mid-year panto. Panto lyrics - complete with “ha-ha!”as. “hi hi ho and a hi hi hey, born to be close to the sea” You get it.

The “Agadoo doo” of Eurovision.

[21:00] 13 Portugal. Inspired by Olympic faux ancient Greek launch ceremony. Where are the Tibetan “please do not exterminate our country, Mr China” demonstrators? Song with constant key raises. Hmmm.

[20:53] 12 Turkey Enjoy it taking a salad break.

Donal B is live blogging here. He is ruder than I am.

[20:49] 11:Iceland “This is my life”. In English. Intro girls in macs with brollies a la Access advert.

El Tel: That will get a few votes from Denmark.

Iain Dale: Like the song.

[20:45] 10: Poland El Tel: You haven’t seen teeth like this since … well, in my opinion since Anthea was doing Twirls for Brucie. The dress too.

Brucie and Anthea (below):

[20:40] 09:Croatia More like it. A Jack Vettriano painting singing. Old man gibbering wearing a George Melly hat.

 

Sort of thing that George would do with his Feet Warmers and a Gipsy.

Humph would be turning in his grave, but sniggering.

El Tel: “What in heavens name was that all about?”.

Quite. That is the point.

[20:37] 08: Finland. Ice-hockey blue paint intro. Finnish flag. Why are all these people obsessed with nationality - are they all love children of the Great Pretender?

Rock by old men over-driving system circa 198x who have escaped from a street scene in Max Headroom.

Apparently the BBC think this is ultra-heavy metal.

[20:34] 07: Israel. Long expressive sliding vocal glissandos echoing around an empty hall.

Aha. Visual. Oh. It’s a man.

[20.31] Short break for TV pork chop.

[20:28] 06: Bosnia & Herzagovina. These intros are going to make wonderful Youtube clips. Hope somebody is getting them.

Costumes are Pinnochio meets Alice through the Looking Glass (”off with their heads”). Ohh it’s finished. No it isn’t.

Slight shades of early 1980s big hair.

 

[20:25] 05: Armenia. “Qele, Qele.”

El Tel: ” A breath of the warm South.” Hum - thought Armenia was in the East.

Lady in a graduated feather duster *very* mini-dress with 3 blokes being expressive at waste level. Millie Milli-Tassels; perhaps the Metric Minister could take advice.

[20:19] 04: German entry. Intro very “soft drums” from Abba. “One Man, One Woman” - I think.

[20:15] 03: Albanian entry. Consists of Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah as would be heard from a train going passed a listening pigeon.

 

[20:13] 02: The UK entry. Andy Abraham. The analsis of the Beeb the other day showed conclusively that he can’t win, since - for example - all the Turks in Germany vote for Turkey - so you’ll just have to enjoy the song.

[20:09] 01: Serbian entry. Um.

 

[20:03] The comperes. She is a little bit too much King Charles Spaniel meets Good Ship Lollipop meets Carrie from Sex and the City in ginger. But - hey.

(Looking for pic of the event - this is a media pack shot).

King Charles Spaniel meets Sex and the City

[20:02] Terry Wobegone has introduced a “festival of kitsch”. It is also a “festival of bitch” on the commentary channel - good.