This week legislation was largely forgotten as we all got a vicarious thrill from the surprising sexual antics of Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg, Hague and Harman crossed handbags on the issue of which of them was going to come first in Parliament’s Best Dressed List, and a Minister learned the hard way that sometimes the best thing to bring to a contentious debate is silence.

NICK CLEGGOVER

With the possibile exception of Lembit “Cheeky” Opik I’d never considered that Liberal Democrats actually did The Sex, but rather produced any offspring fully formed and already bearded through a sort of dividing process, similar to the friendly-bacteria stuff you see advertised on the telly. But apparently this is not so! In an interview with Piers Morgan for GQ, newish Liberal leader Nicky Clegg ‘fessed up to having introduced his purple headed yoghurt slinger to somewhere around thirty ladies. Thirty! The man’s, like, a TOTAL legend; even wee Willie Hague must be spluttering into his fourteenth pint at Nick’s Tom Jones stylings. We also learn that Mrs Clegg is “very content and happy.” I’ll bet, but let’s hope she boils him or something before she allows Nick to indulge in any marital sexual healing. Always use protection, kids.

THE HARPERSON TAKES THE FLAK

Labour’s Deputy Leader and (lest we forget) Woman, Harriet Harman, started the week badly after being snapped by the paps wearing a flak jacket as she strolled around Peckham. In her defence, she was out with the local fuzz, but one can’t imagine that the Gord and Jacqui Smith were overly impressed with the sight of Harriet wandering around her own constituency dressed like a knight of the First Crusade when they’re desperately attempting to convince everybody that crime is going down. On top of that, the Supreme Leader was at NATO this week, meaning that a stand-in had to be found to do Prime Minister’s Questions. Although the general consensus was that if Number 10 could have legitimately chosen the dude who cleans the Commons’ bogs over la Harperson they would have done, the fact that she was elected as deputy by the Labour members meant that this was not particularly feasible. Democracy: it can be a bitch. Anyway, as the news came out that she was agin the Haguemeister and Captain Comedy Cable the press started rubbing their hands with glee at the anticipated massacre, whilst the PLP and their bag-carriers decided to plump for “horrified fascination” as the best way of dealing with the performance and started ordering in the popcorn. However, to nearly everybody’s surprise Harriet pulled it off! Hague frontloaded in a manner similar to Cameron and asked all his questions in a single bloc, and instead of trying to trip her up on complex policy - over which she obviously has little grasp - decided to try some of his famous Parliamentary witticisms. One such centred on Harperson’s dress sense. Oooooh, bitchy! And, let it be said, not particularly wise from a man who once appeared in public with a baseball cap bearing the legend HAGUE, a sartorial faux-pas of which Harriet was swift to remind the House. So much for wee Willy, what of Captain Comedy? Well, he buggered it up by asking a question relating to Her Maj (gawd bless yer, Ma’am) which is not allowed, was ruled out of order by the Speaker, and didn’t really recover his mojo thereafter. This was not Harriet’s to win, it was Hague and Cable’s to lose and they did so with more of a whimper than a bang. Never underestimate the power of A Woman, gentlemen. Which, as Harriet was fond of reminding us last year when she stood for Deputy, she most definitely is.

NO REVOLTING BEHAVIOUR OVER 42 DAYS. YET

The second reading of the Counter Terrorism Bill - containing the contentious clause to extend the period of pre-trial detention to 42 days - passed largely without incident, although revolts are expected in their multitudes during the committee and report stage. Expect the tea room to be rammed full of frontbenchers attempting to woo dissidents with soothing words and muffins.

…AND FINALLY

Ivan Lewis MP’s stirring rendition of “Yesterday” - all Labour’s troubles seemed so faaaaaaar away! - in Progress is a timely reminder that the one thing that works up the meedja more than not saying what one thinks (”Labour clone!”) is actually doing so (”gaffe prone Minister”), and a ICM poll puts Livingstone and BoJo neck-and-neck for the London mayoralty.

Tags: westminster watch, parliament, parliamentary reports[tags]westminster watch, parliament, parliamentary reports[/tags]